Preakness

Going to Preakness was a poke at my anxiety; it was not something that completely threw me off, but it made my mind race a little bit. For those of you who have gone to Preakness, you know that there are lots of people and that you can't just pull up and walk in. I had to do some research and figure out how I would get there. I met my friend Jess and and a few other people at Jess' house in Pikesville. Jess suggested that all seven of us pile in her SUV, which would have been fun freshman year of college but the thought of it now made me picture myself having a panic attack. I told Jess I would drive, too.

I, of course, had done my research and decided that easiest way to get there would be to park at the shuttle stop closes to Preakness so the bus ride would be as short as possible. Public transportation makes me feel completely out of control because I can't turn around if I need or want to; this is why I struggle with flying. At least with a bus or on a train, I could get off at the next stop. There are no stops in the air.

So I left Jess' house with two of the people in the group and we drove to the shuttle stop. There were only five other people on our bus and it was only about a four mile bus ride, so this wasn't a huge public transportation challenge for me but I still felt good that I did it.

This is a blog about anxiety/agoraphobia and traveling, so all I will say about Preakness was that it was a great time and I drank a little too much which brings me to the ride home. My friend Dylan and I walked towards the buses to go back to the shuttle stop. We got on the first bus we saw because we assumed they were all going to all of the shuttle stops. The bus was packed with people sitting in all the seats as well as standing in the middle. Like I said, I had been drinking so I was calm on the bus ride. We pulled up to what we thought was our first stop and every single person got off the bus; I had no idea where we were. The bus driver told us that each bus was going to one stop and we got on the wrong one, so she would take us back to Preakness.

We pulled up where the buses were loading and found hundreds, maybe thousands of people drunk and waiting for buses. I was still drunk but this sight made my anxiety spike a little bit. There was no way to get back to our cars. I suggested we walk, but Dylan thought it was too long. He walked over to a van and started talking to the driver. All the sudden he was asking me to come his way and get in this van. We piled in with six other people and were on our way. Dylan paid $20 for these guys driving a van, which they called a cab, to take us the four miles back to our cars. It was worth it.

That was the beginning of my goal to become more comfortable riding public transportation. I need to learn to let go of the control. I'm hoping to be on a plane by the end of the summer...