“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”
The day after my anxiety was reignited in Westminster, I drove again. I got on 83 North towards York, PA and drove. I did this same drive the week before and made it out of Maryland into Pennsylvania but barely. The further from Baltimore on 83, the longer it is between exits. I didn't know how long it would be to the first exit in PA, so when I did the drive the week before, I got off at the last Maryland exit and found my way to the PA line off the interstate. It wasn't a pretty victory where I confidently crossed the finish line, but I still made it.
After that drive, I did a little homework. I googled 83 North and found a website that listed every exit and how many miles it was between each. This way, I could check the exits off as I drove and I would know exactly how many miles before the next exit even before my GPS could tell me.
So a week later with pieces of paper that had all the exits listed, I headed out for a pretty finish. I started on 83 N and drive calmly until I was almost to PA. I got off at that same last Maryland exit and pulled over on the side of the road for a while. I felt the anxiety building inside of me. Then the fact that not moving forward would be going back, racked in my mind and on my soul and I started driving. I told myself that if I was going to take my girlfriend on vacations that I had to take this small step. So I did.
I got back on 83 N and drove towards York. My goal was to get to the first exit into Pennsylvania which is exit 4 in Shrewsbury and is 3.5 miles over the state line. I calmly crossed the finish line that was the sign reading, "Welcome to Pennsylvania." Approaching exit 4, I felt pretty calm so I kept going. I made it to exit 8, which is Glen Rock and is 7.5 miles over the PA line. I was about 10 miles and 4 exits away from York. Next time I'll make it all the way there. I just need to keep driving and keep trying.
Life is not going to wait for me so I need to catch up to it. I need to not let this affect my life. It has already had a profound impact on my past causing me much loss in ten years, but it will not rob me of the love that I have found and of my future. It absolutely will not.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
The Anxiety is Back and So Am I
It's been over a year since I last updated this blog. I do so well in my day to day life without any anxiety that I sometimes forget how heavily it still influences me. Life moves forward for myself and for everyone around me and no one realizes that a couple more years have gone by and I still haven't gone more than an hour away from where I'm comfortable. And when no one else realizes it, it helps me almost forgot that painful fact that constantly comes back to the front of my mind. I keep hoping it will just disappear, but I was reminded today that it is still there.
I want to surprise my girlfriend and take her snowboarding for a night, so I decided to practice driving to Ski Liberty. Of course, I mapquested directions to all the local ski resorts to see which is the least amount of miles away and which seems like the easiest to drive to. Ski Roundtop is a little bit past York, PA and most of the drive is on I-83, which I like, but it's about 70 miles away and 55 of those miles are all on one road. I have trouble with long stretches of miles on one single road. Driving farther and farther away on one straight road makes me feel like it takes longer to get back than it would if I had turned. I know this makes no sense, but it's what I think when I'm driving.
Ski Liberty is 56 miles away from my apartment and about 30 of those miles are all on the same road. This is not ideal but it's better than the 55 miles on 83 to Roundtop so I decided Liberty was where I would try to drive.
About two weeks ago, I drove the 10 miles on 695 then the 10 miles on 795 to start the 30 mile journey on MD-140, which is a four lane country road split in the middle by a median and every half mile seems to be separated by a traffic light. Some sections are surrounded by big stores and shopping centers and others long stretches of grass and farm fields. I made it about 8 miles on 140 before I decided to turn around. I wasn't anxious, but I decided I had driven far enough and I felt accomplished for the day. I know I should have gone further.
I got in my car this morning with that goal in mind: to go further. I drove the 10 miles on 695 then the 10 miles on 795 then I drove about 10 miles on 140 and saw a Gardiners Furniture on the right. I pulled into the parking lot and went in for a few minutes to look at mattresses. Getting out of the car and walking around helps ground my mind and I felt very calm getting back into the car. After Gardiners, I drove about 2 more miles and saw a Five Below on the left so I pulled in and grounded myself again. Still feeling good, I decided to go a little further. I drove about two more miles, so almost 14 miles on MD-140, and I was still feeling fairly calm but looking ahead I saw long stretches of road and suddenly felt the urge to turn around. I got in the left turn lane to make a u-turn behind an old, rusty truck.
About a minute went by and I was still waiting behind the truck. I kept telling myself I was fine and then all the sudden I felt really hot. I quickly unzipped and took off my light jacket and then I noticed my left leg that was trying to hold in the clutch was shaking. Still waiting behind the truck for the light to turn, I started fidgeting and trying to keep my mind and body busy but I wanted to turn around that second. I called a friend and told her to ask me questions and talk to me. She knew I was driving so she wasn't surprised by the call.
We had only been on the phone about a minute when the light changed and by that time my anxiety level was going down and my leg was shaking a little less. By the time I had driven the two miles to the next light, I was completely fine. The anxiety surprised me because I hadn't felt it in so long, but I also had not pushed myself in a long time either. It was different from how I remembered it. The physical symptoms were present, but I didn't completely lose my mind. I was still able to form thoughts and talk myself out of the anxiety. I was able to remind myself to breathe and I knew in my mind that my leg would stop shaking and my body temperature would come down. It wasn't as bad as I remembered it to be.
The anxiety that I felt lasted about three minutes and then it subsided. I should have turned back around and gone even further but I decided just to go home. But now I know that that is the decision that is going to change my life. I now realize I can calm down and be fine while still being outside of my comfortable distance. I'm letting a few minutes of uncomfortableness control my entire life. Next time I will choose to keep going. That is the moment that everything will change.
I want to surprise my girlfriend and take her snowboarding for a night, so I decided to practice driving to Ski Liberty. Of course, I mapquested directions to all the local ski resorts to see which is the least amount of miles away and which seems like the easiest to drive to. Ski Roundtop is a little bit past York, PA and most of the drive is on I-83, which I like, but it's about 70 miles away and 55 of those miles are all on one road. I have trouble with long stretches of miles on one single road. Driving farther and farther away on one straight road makes me feel like it takes longer to get back than it would if I had turned. I know this makes no sense, but it's what I think when I'm driving.
Ski Liberty is 56 miles away from my apartment and about 30 of those miles are all on the same road. This is not ideal but it's better than the 55 miles on 83 to Roundtop so I decided Liberty was where I would try to drive.
About two weeks ago, I drove the 10 miles on 695 then the 10 miles on 795 to start the 30 mile journey on MD-140, which is a four lane country road split in the middle by a median and every half mile seems to be separated by a traffic light. Some sections are surrounded by big stores and shopping centers and others long stretches of grass and farm fields. I made it about 8 miles on 140 before I decided to turn around. I wasn't anxious, but I decided I had driven far enough and I felt accomplished for the day. I know I should have gone further.
I got in my car this morning with that goal in mind: to go further. I drove the 10 miles on 695 then the 10 miles on 795 then I drove about 10 miles on 140 and saw a Gardiners Furniture on the right. I pulled into the parking lot and went in for a few minutes to look at mattresses. Getting out of the car and walking around helps ground my mind and I felt very calm getting back into the car. After Gardiners, I drove about 2 more miles and saw a Five Below on the left so I pulled in and grounded myself again. Still feeling good, I decided to go a little further. I drove about two more miles, so almost 14 miles on MD-140, and I was still feeling fairly calm but looking ahead I saw long stretches of road and suddenly felt the urge to turn around. I got in the left turn lane to make a u-turn behind an old, rusty truck.
About a minute went by and I was still waiting behind the truck. I kept telling myself I was fine and then all the sudden I felt really hot. I quickly unzipped and took off my light jacket and then I noticed my left leg that was trying to hold in the clutch was shaking. Still waiting behind the truck for the light to turn, I started fidgeting and trying to keep my mind and body busy but I wanted to turn around that second. I called a friend and told her to ask me questions and talk to me. She knew I was driving so she wasn't surprised by the call.
We had only been on the phone about a minute when the light changed and by that time my anxiety level was going down and my leg was shaking a little less. By the time I had driven the two miles to the next light, I was completely fine. The anxiety surprised me because I hadn't felt it in so long, but I also had not pushed myself in a long time either. It was different from how I remembered it. The physical symptoms were present, but I didn't completely lose my mind. I was still able to form thoughts and talk myself out of the anxiety. I was able to remind myself to breathe and I knew in my mind that my leg would stop shaking and my body temperature would come down. It wasn't as bad as I remembered it to be.
The anxiety that I felt lasted about three minutes and then it subsided. I should have turned back around and gone even further but I decided just to go home. But now I know that that is the decision that is going to change my life. I now realize I can calm down and be fine while still being outside of my comfortable distance. I'm letting a few minutes of uncomfortableness control my entire life. Next time I will choose to keep going. That is the moment that everything will change.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Annapolis
Saturday, July 18th was a perfect day. There's no other way to describe it. So many things affect my anxiety/agoraphobia and my drives, which means some days I feel like I can drive anywhere and other days I can't get out of Towson.
The last time my college roommates and I were supposed to meet, we made plans to go to Holly's house in Crofton to meet her new baby, Reed. Croften is about 40 miles and 50 minutes from me. I had driven to Croften a few times before and it's a drive I feel confident making on most days. Before I go on drives, I never go out the night before because I need to be well-rested and not have had anything to drink the night before -- alcohol and sleep are the difference between making drives and not making them for me. The night before that time I didn't go out, but I woke up feeling off. It was a rainy, foggy day and I couldn't see into the distance. Everything looked foggy. I got on 695 and knew that wasn't my day. I texted them and told them I was sorry and I wished I could be there...
When I woke up on Saturday, July 18th, everything was different. It was sunny and warm out. The sky was blue with big, white clouds and I felt like I could see forever. I don't know why not being able to see into the distance triggers my anxiety. Maybe I feel like the further I can see, the further I can go. Who knows. But that day, I knew I was going far.
Misty, Holly, Jacque and I met at a diner in Crofton for brunch. Driving to Crofton that morning felt like driving to Bel Air. There were no agoraphobic thoughts in my mind. I still had my tea in the passenger seat and I took a few sips on the way, but I saved most of it for later. I easily drove the 25 miles on 695 then the 10 miles on 97 then 5 miles to the diner. I felt calm when I pulled up and put my feet on the black asphalt.
It was so great to finally meet Reed; he's six months old now! He's super cute and Holly seems so happy. Jacque's daughter, Riley, is cooler than I am. She's one and a half now and is walking and telling Jacque what she wants. I'm so glad I was able to make it this time and hang out this time and see the old roomies. I can't wait until I have kids and Riley and Reed are babysitting them :)
After brunch, I followed Misty back to Annapolis to see her house and hang out. She bought her house a year ago ( I think) and this was my first time going to see it. Misty's house is about 20 miles and 25 minutes from Crofton. We got back on Route 3 then took 97 for about 7 miles then got off at the Riva Road exit. Once we got off on Riva Road, we made some other turns and there were lights and some traffic. I drank the rest of my tea, but I felt okay. Her house was a little bit off the exit but it was easy to get there. I felt calm the whole way there. I pulled into the driveway and stepped out of the car on to the street in Annapolis. Her house is so cute. She has a nice fenced-in backyard, nice bathrooms, hardwood floors, a reading room, etc. She also has a little apartment that would be perfect for me and Gia except Jay said she would have to stay downstairs all the time :) I think he would change her mind once she moved in.
We had a Corona at Misty's house then drove about a mile down the road and parked in a bar parking lot across a small bridge to downtown Annapolis. We walked across the bridge that looked out on the water, so many boats, and lots of people kayaking, etc. It looked just like I imagine a brochure for Annapolis would look.
We went to Pusser's, which is a popular bar right on the water. We got a table outside and sat right next to the water. I felt like I was at Secrets or somewhere at the beach. We had a few beers and lots of great conversations. I love hanging out with Misty because, among other things, even though our lives are different and we don't see each other all the time, it feels like we do. And we have great conversations and never run out of things to talk about.
Just hanging out with Misty was already perfect, but the day got even better. First, Erica and Ashley met us for some food. Erica grilled Misty about Annapolis. Ashley and I witnessed the interview. Erica has spent the last week researching properties in Annapolis so she can move there. Then our friend Jeff from college came to meet us and brought his boyfriend. I had not seen Jeff in probably five years, so I was so happy to see him. He and I were the gay ones in our group of friends and I always considered him one of my best friends and favorite people in college and I regret that we have not done a better job at keeping in touch. Hopefully now we will see each other more often. Then Misty's fiance, Jason, came to meet us with a few of his friends. Then, when I thought it couldn't possibly get any better, Olga snuck up behind me and suprised me and behind her was Shannon. I love Olga and Shannon together and each of them seperately and I was able to have conversations with both of them. They are both so much fun and such great people and I feel lucky to know them. I feel lucky to know all of my friends from Salisbury. That school really does attract some quality people.
Misty and Olga both know all about my anxiety and agoraphobia and have known about it for years now. I love that I can have serious conversations with them about it but also joke around and make lite of it too. I took a lot of pictures of the boats and the water and we were joking around about me being a tourist even though I live about an hour from Annapolis. We took pictures in front of the Pusser's sign and Olga told me I should buy a souvenir t-shirt. Definitely next time :)
We walked back over the bridge to the car as the sun was going down. I took a few more pictures of the boats and Misty took a few of me glancing out at the water then I said goodbye and headed home. I was about one hour and 50 miles from home and I felt relaxed. I slowly drove the however many miles back to 97 then stayed on that for about 20 miles before finishing the 25 miles on 695. I listened to music and enjoyed the ride home. It had been a perfect day.
The last time my college roommates and I were supposed to meet, we made plans to go to Holly's house in Crofton to meet her new baby, Reed. Croften is about 40 miles and 50 minutes from me. I had driven to Croften a few times before and it's a drive I feel confident making on most days. Before I go on drives, I never go out the night before because I need to be well-rested and not have had anything to drink the night before -- alcohol and sleep are the difference between making drives and not making them for me. The night before that time I didn't go out, but I woke up feeling off. It was a rainy, foggy day and I couldn't see into the distance. Everything looked foggy. I got on 695 and knew that wasn't my day. I texted them and told them I was sorry and I wished I could be there...
When I woke up on Saturday, July 18th, everything was different. It was sunny and warm out. The sky was blue with big, white clouds and I felt like I could see forever. I don't know why not being able to see into the distance triggers my anxiety. Maybe I feel like the further I can see, the further I can go. Who knows. But that day, I knew I was going far.
Misty, Holly, Jacque and I met at a diner in Crofton for brunch. Driving to Crofton that morning felt like driving to Bel Air. There were no agoraphobic thoughts in my mind. I still had my tea in the passenger seat and I took a few sips on the way, but I saved most of it for later. I easily drove the 25 miles on 695 then the 10 miles on 97 then 5 miles to the diner. I felt calm when I pulled up and put my feet on the black asphalt.
It was so great to finally meet Reed; he's six months old now! He's super cute and Holly seems so happy. Jacque's daughter, Riley, is cooler than I am. She's one and a half now and is walking and telling Jacque what she wants. I'm so glad I was able to make it this time and hang out this time and see the old roomies. I can't wait until I have kids and Riley and Reed are babysitting them :)
After brunch, I followed Misty back to Annapolis to see her house and hang out. She bought her house a year ago ( I think) and this was my first time going to see it. Misty's house is about 20 miles and 25 minutes from Crofton. We got back on Route 3 then took 97 for about 7 miles then got off at the Riva Road exit. Once we got off on Riva Road, we made some other turns and there were lights and some traffic. I drank the rest of my tea, but I felt okay. Her house was a little bit off the exit but it was easy to get there. I felt calm the whole way there. I pulled into the driveway and stepped out of the car on to the street in Annapolis. Her house is so cute. She has a nice fenced-in backyard, nice bathrooms, hardwood floors, a reading room, etc. She also has a little apartment that would be perfect for me and Gia except Jay said she would have to stay downstairs all the time :) I think he would change her mind once she moved in.
We had a Corona at Misty's house then drove about a mile down the road and parked in a bar parking lot across a small bridge to downtown Annapolis. We walked across the bridge that looked out on the water, so many boats, and lots of people kayaking, etc. It looked just like I imagine a brochure for Annapolis would look.
We went to Pusser's, which is a popular bar right on the water. We got a table outside and sat right next to the water. I felt like I was at Secrets or somewhere at the beach. We had a few beers and lots of great conversations. I love hanging out with Misty because, among other things, even though our lives are different and we don't see each other all the time, it feels like we do. And we have great conversations and never run out of things to talk about.
Just hanging out with Misty was already perfect, but the day got even better. First, Erica and Ashley met us for some food. Erica grilled Misty about Annapolis. Ashley and I witnessed the interview. Erica has spent the last week researching properties in Annapolis so she can move there. Then our friend Jeff from college came to meet us and brought his boyfriend. I had not seen Jeff in probably five years, so I was so happy to see him. He and I were the gay ones in our group of friends and I always considered him one of my best friends and favorite people in college and I regret that we have not done a better job at keeping in touch. Hopefully now we will see each other more often. Then Misty's fiance, Jason, came to meet us with a few of his friends. Then, when I thought it couldn't possibly get any better, Olga snuck up behind me and suprised me and behind her was Shannon. I love Olga and Shannon together and each of them seperately and I was able to have conversations with both of them. They are both so much fun and such great people and I feel lucky to know them. I feel lucky to know all of my friends from Salisbury. That school really does attract some quality people.
Misty and Olga both know all about my anxiety and agoraphobia and have known about it for years now. I love that I can have serious conversations with them about it but also joke around and make lite of it too. I took a lot of pictures of the boats and the water and we were joking around about me being a tourist even though I live about an hour from Annapolis. We took pictures in front of the Pusser's sign and Olga told me I should buy a souvenir t-shirt. Definitely next time :)
We walked back over the bridge to the car as the sun was going down. I took a few more pictures of the boats and Misty took a few of me glancing out at the water then I said goodbye and headed home. I was about one hour and 50 miles from home and I felt relaxed. I slowly drove the however many miles back to 97 then stayed on that for about 20 miles before finishing the 25 miles on 695. I listened to music and enjoyed the ride home. It had been a perfect day.
Silver Spring
Since I last blogged, I've gone on a few drives. On July 3, I drove to Silver Spring. This was not a huge far distance conquering drive for me, but it's a distance I want to be more comfortable with. I still have to bring calming tea in the car with me and I still have to prepare for it. I want driving to Silver Spring to feel like driving from Towson to Bel Air, which is where my parents live and does not cause me anxiety.
Silver Spring is about an hour drive and about 50 miles from my apartment. It's only about twenty minutes/twenty miles from Columbia, where I used to live, so it doesn't feel that far. I took Route 29 all the way to Silver Spring. Route 29 has become one of my favorite roads because it's like a small highway. There are stoplights every once in a while but mostly it's just a small highway with lots of exits. I never feel like I can't get off or turn around.
My goal of driving to Silver Sring on the 3rd was to look at places and see where I may want to live. The two people who were supposed to show me their places never responded, so I just kind of drove around. I got off 29 on a few exits before Silver Spring to see if there are any nice areas between Columbia and Silver Spring. I didn't end up finding exactly where I want to leave, but I made the drive which is the important part.
Silver Spring is about an hour drive and about 50 miles from my apartment. It's only about twenty minutes/twenty miles from Columbia, where I used to live, so it doesn't feel that far. I took Route 29 all the way to Silver Spring. Route 29 has become one of my favorite roads because it's like a small highway. There are stoplights every once in a while but mostly it's just a small highway with lots of exits. I never feel like I can't get off or turn around.
My goal of driving to Silver Sring on the 3rd was to look at places and see where I may want to live. The two people who were supposed to show me their places never responded, so I just kind of drove around. I got off 29 on a few exits before Silver Spring to see if there are any nice areas between Columbia and Silver Spring. I didn't end up finding exactly where I want to leave, but I made the drive which is the important part.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Dreams and Fears
When I was in high school, I always thought that I would move to New York City right after I graduated college. I'm not even sure why I applied to schools so close; I would have gone anywhere, and I now think that I should have gone further than the three hours away that I did go. My parents (specifically my mom) wanted me to stay close to home. And she still wants that even though she knows how hard it is for me to go far from home.
Right before I graduated from Salisbury, in the peak of my agoraphobia, I remember chatting on instant messanger with a good family friend. I was sitting in my twin sized bed chatting before I fell asleep, like I did most nights. On that particular night, my friend told me there was a job opening with her company in New York City that she could help me get if I wanted it. She said I should live in New Jersey near or with her and commute to the city. It was everything I had wanted when I was in high school and that I still wanted at that moment, but there was no way I could get there. Somehow in those four years, everything had changed. I had changed. I went from this carefree, young girl to this anxious, frazzled adult, but I still wanted the same things I had wanted before. I still wanted to live in NYC even though I knew there was no way my anxious mind would let me get there. I could not drive ten miles from my house at that time, so NYC seemed like a dream.
This past Friday night, I had a dream about the friend who offered me the job in NYC in 2005. I woke up thinking about how it's been six years and taking that job now is still something I would not be able to do. NYC is still a dream to me.
I spent Saturday sad and frustrated because I just want to be able to go places and I'm struggling to make that happen. I went to Hightopps with a friend on Saturday night to have a few drinks. For the first time, I told him all about my agoraphobia and anxiety. He understood more than anyone ever has, which made me feel a little bit less crazy. Most people have no idea what to say when I reveal this to them, but this friend just seemed to get it. I'm glad I told him. And I hope he can help me get on a plane by the end of the summer :)
Sometimes I'm sad and sometimes I'm super positive. Sometimes I know how lucky I am, and other times I would rather have anything else to deal with other than this. I needed a night to be frustrated and to tell someone those feelings to fuel my need and desire to really make myself go further. This has taken over a third of my life and it's time for me to take control.
The first step I think I need to make is to move. I need to get slightly out of my comfort zone so that I can expand my life. I have been accepted into a Nonprofit Management program at American University in D.C., so I think I'm going to move to that area. I think being forced to use public transportation and to explore a new part of the city will make me less comfortable and more willing to push my anxiety threshold. My mom doesn't want me to move because she wants me to stay close to home, but what she doesn't realize is that keeping me close to home could make me stay here forever and never leave. That's my biggest fear.
Right before I graduated from Salisbury, in the peak of my agoraphobia, I remember chatting on instant messanger with a good family friend. I was sitting in my twin sized bed chatting before I fell asleep, like I did most nights. On that particular night, my friend told me there was a job opening with her company in New York City that she could help me get if I wanted it. She said I should live in New Jersey near or with her and commute to the city. It was everything I had wanted when I was in high school and that I still wanted at that moment, but there was no way I could get there. Somehow in those four years, everything had changed. I had changed. I went from this carefree, young girl to this anxious, frazzled adult, but I still wanted the same things I had wanted before. I still wanted to live in NYC even though I knew there was no way my anxious mind would let me get there. I could not drive ten miles from my house at that time, so NYC seemed like a dream.
This past Friday night, I had a dream about the friend who offered me the job in NYC in 2005. I woke up thinking about how it's been six years and taking that job now is still something I would not be able to do. NYC is still a dream to me.
I spent Saturday sad and frustrated because I just want to be able to go places and I'm struggling to make that happen. I went to Hightopps with a friend on Saturday night to have a few drinks. For the first time, I told him all about my agoraphobia and anxiety. He understood more than anyone ever has, which made me feel a little bit less crazy. Most people have no idea what to say when I reveal this to them, but this friend just seemed to get it. I'm glad I told him. And I hope he can help me get on a plane by the end of the summer :)
Sometimes I'm sad and sometimes I'm super positive. Sometimes I know how lucky I am, and other times I would rather have anything else to deal with other than this. I needed a night to be frustrated and to tell someone those feelings to fuel my need and desire to really make myself go further. This has taken over a third of my life and it's time for me to take control.
The first step I think I need to make is to move. I need to get slightly out of my comfort zone so that I can expand my life. I have been accepted into a Nonprofit Management program at American University in D.C., so I think I'm going to move to that area. I think being forced to use public transportation and to explore a new part of the city will make me less comfortable and more willing to push my anxiety threshold. My mom doesn't want me to move because she wants me to stay close to home, but what she doesn't realize is that keeping me close to home could make me stay here forever and never leave. That's my biggest fear.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Positive Side
I just wanted to take a minute to talk about the positive side of being agoraphobic because there is one. I am so grateful for every new place I see. I remember driving home to Bel Air from Baltimore City comfortably for the first time in years; I remember taking the 95 ramp home noticing how the lights lit up the city. It was a beautiful sight that I'm not sure I would have noticed had it not been such a struggle for me to get there. Making it to Newark and Annapolis and D.C. all gave me similar feelings. I was and still am so grateful to have made it to those places.
I hear people talk about different cities and states and countries they have or are traveling to and I wonder if they stop to appreciate the fact that they are able to go to those places with no thought. This semester I talked to a few students who have barely been out of Baltimore because they take the bus everywhere and do not have the money or means to go anywhere and that makes me feel fortunate that I do have those luxuries even though it's harder for me than most people.
If I could go anywhere, I'm not sure that I would have found Camp Sunrise. If I had been busy using my vacation time to travel, I'm not sure that I would have looked for summer camps where I volunteer a week of my time. I would like to say that I would have sought out an opportunity like this anyway, but I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm glad I did. Camp Sunrise changed my life, so not being able to travel has given me as much as it has taken away from me. And spending a week with kids with cancer really puts your life into perspective and makes you grateful for everything you do have instead of the things your life is lacking or the things you can't do. Even though traveling is so hard for me, I know it could be so much worse. I know how lucky I am.
So my agoraphobia has helped me be more grateful and has led me to do things I might not otherwise have done. And even though I can't go anywhere I want, I am so blessed for the small steps that I have made and continue to make. And when I make it to the ocean this summer and see waves and smell the ocean for the first time in six years, I will feel like I've traveled the world.
I hear people talk about different cities and states and countries they have or are traveling to and I wonder if they stop to appreciate the fact that they are able to go to those places with no thought. This semester I talked to a few students who have barely been out of Baltimore because they take the bus everywhere and do not have the money or means to go anywhere and that makes me feel fortunate that I do have those luxuries even though it's harder for me than most people.
If I could go anywhere, I'm not sure that I would have found Camp Sunrise. If I had been busy using my vacation time to travel, I'm not sure that I would have looked for summer camps where I volunteer a week of my time. I would like to say that I would have sought out an opportunity like this anyway, but I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm glad I did. Camp Sunrise changed my life, so not being able to travel has given me as much as it has taken away from me. And spending a week with kids with cancer really puts your life into perspective and makes you grateful for everything you do have instead of the things your life is lacking or the things you can't do. Even though traveling is so hard for me, I know it could be so much worse. I know how lucky I am.
So my agoraphobia has helped me be more grateful and has led me to do things I might not otherwise have done. And even though I can't go anywhere I want, I am so blessed for the small steps that I have made and continue to make. And when I make it to the ocean this summer and see waves and smell the ocean for the first time in six years, I will feel like I've traveled the world.
Another Boot
So my last blog was about public transportation and control, which is taken away completely if I can't drive. I have gotten a lot better about being a passenger in a car, but I still prefer to be the driver. This has all been complicated by another boot.
In 2005, I was playing soccer drunk after a wedding with some friends and little kids and I broke my foot. I was on crutches and in a walking boot for months. It took so long for my foot to feel normal again.
Last week, I was playing tennis with a friend when I went for game point and turned my foot and fell hard. My foot swelled instantly and it looked like I had a tennis ball stuck to my ankle. It was big and gross and painful. Diagnosis: I sprained my ankle and tore some ligaments and may have fractured something. I have to go back to the doctor two more times. It's painful and annoying but I know it could be a lot worse. I was on crutches for a few days; now my foot is strong enough to walk with just the boot.
I really wanted to be able to do lots of drives this summer and the foot/boot problem makes me more anxious about it. I'm not supposed to be driving in my boot but I have been. I know it's not the smartest/safest thing to do, but I need to get to work, etc. I have limited my driving to short distances and necessary trips.
This weekend I'm supposed to go to D.C. Pride (which I've never been to) and maybe hang out with a girl I'm interested in. There are anxiety triggers with this drive such as traffic in D.C. and the fact that it's going to be packed. I'm also not sure if it's smarter to drive there or take the metro, which obviously is not my preference. And then there's the obvious foot concern with driving and then possibly having to walk around a lot once I get there, which may be too much for my foot too soon. Is this an excuse or a valid concern? My anxiety clouds my mind so much that I'm not sure. To go or not to go? I just feel like: "I have to go see about a girl."
In 2005, I was playing soccer drunk after a wedding with some friends and little kids and I broke my foot. I was on crutches and in a walking boot for months. It took so long for my foot to feel normal again.
Last week, I was playing tennis with a friend when I went for game point and turned my foot and fell hard. My foot swelled instantly and it looked like I had a tennis ball stuck to my ankle. It was big and gross and painful. Diagnosis: I sprained my ankle and tore some ligaments and may have fractured something. I have to go back to the doctor two more times. It's painful and annoying but I know it could be a lot worse. I was on crutches for a few days; now my foot is strong enough to walk with just the boot.
I really wanted to be able to do lots of drives this summer and the foot/boot problem makes me more anxious about it. I'm not supposed to be driving in my boot but I have been. I know it's not the smartest/safest thing to do, but I need to get to work, etc. I have limited my driving to short distances and necessary trips.
This weekend I'm supposed to go to D.C. Pride (which I've never been to) and maybe hang out with a girl I'm interested in. There are anxiety triggers with this drive such as traffic in D.C. and the fact that it's going to be packed. I'm also not sure if it's smarter to drive there or take the metro, which obviously is not my preference. And then there's the obvious foot concern with driving and then possibly having to walk around a lot once I get there, which may be too much for my foot too soon. Is this an excuse or a valid concern? My anxiety clouds my mind so much that I'm not sure. To go or not to go? I just feel like: "I have to go see about a girl."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)