Dreams and Fears

When I was in high school, I always thought that I would move to New York City right after I graduated college. I'm not even sure why I applied to schools so close; I would have gone anywhere, and I now think that I should have gone further than the three hours away that I did go. My parents (specifically my mom) wanted me to stay close to home. And she still wants that even though she knows how hard it is for me to go far from home.

Right before I graduated from Salisbury, in the peak of my agoraphobia, I remember chatting on instant messanger with a good family friend. I was sitting in my twin sized bed chatting before I fell asleep, like I did most nights. On that particular night, my friend told me there was a job opening with her company in New York City that she could help me get if I wanted it. She said I should live in New Jersey near or with her and commute to the city. It was everything I had wanted when I was in high school and that I still wanted at that moment, but there was no way I could get there. Somehow in those four years, everything had changed. I had changed. I went from this carefree, young girl to this anxious, frazzled adult, but I still wanted the same things I had wanted before. I still wanted to live in NYC even though I knew there was no way my anxious mind would let me get there. I could not drive ten miles from my house at that time, so NYC seemed like a dream.

This past Friday night, I had a dream about the friend who offered me the job in NYC in 2005. I woke up thinking about how it's been six years and taking that job now is still something I would not be able to do. NYC is still a dream to me.

I spent Saturday sad and frustrated because I just want to be able to go places and I'm struggling to make that happen. I went to Hightopps with a friend on Saturday night to have a few drinks. For the first time, I told him all about my agoraphobia and anxiety. He understood more than anyone ever has, which made me feel a little bit less crazy. Most people have no idea what to say when I reveal this to them, but this friend just seemed to get it. I'm glad I told him. And I hope he can help me get on a plane by the end of the summer :)

Sometimes I'm sad and sometimes I'm super positive. Sometimes I know how lucky I am, and other times I would rather have anything else to deal with other than this. I needed a night to be frustrated and to tell someone those feelings to fuel my need and desire to really make myself go further. This has taken over a third of my life and it's time for me to take control.

The first step I think I need to make is to move. I need to get slightly out of my comfort zone so that I can expand my life. I have been accepted into a Nonprofit Management program at American University in D.C., so I think I'm going to move to that area. I think being forced to use public transportation and to explore a new part of the city will make me less comfortable and more willing to push my anxiety threshold. My mom doesn't want me to move because she wants me to stay close to home, but what she doesn't realize is that keeping me close to home could make me stay here forever and never leave. That's my biggest fear.