“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”
The day after my anxiety was reignited in Westminster, I drove again. I got on 83 North towards York, PA and drove. I did this same drive the week before and made it out of Maryland into Pennsylvania but barely. The further from Baltimore on 83, the longer it is between exits. I didn't know how long it would be to the first exit in PA, so when I did the drive the week before, I got off at the last Maryland exit and found my way to the PA line off the interstate. It wasn't a pretty victory where I confidently crossed the finish line, but I still made it.
After that drive, I did a little homework. I googled 83 North and found a website that listed every exit and how many miles it was between each. This way, I could check the exits off as I drove and I would know exactly how many miles before the next exit even before my GPS could tell me.
So a week later with pieces of paper that had all the exits listed, I headed out for a pretty finish. I started on 83 N and drive calmly until I was almost to PA. I got off at that same last Maryland exit and pulled over on the side of the road for a while. I felt the anxiety building inside of me. Then the fact that not moving forward would be going back, racked in my mind and on my soul and I started driving. I told myself that if I was going to take my girlfriend on vacations that I had to take this small step. So I did.
I got back on 83 N and drove towards York. My goal was to get to the first exit into Pennsylvania which is exit 4 in Shrewsbury and is 3.5 miles over the state line. I calmly crossed the finish line that was the sign reading, "Welcome to Pennsylvania." Approaching exit 4, I felt pretty calm so I kept going. I made it to exit 8, which is Glen Rock and is 7.5 miles over the PA line. I was about 10 miles and 4 exits away from York. Next time I'll make it all the way there. I just need to keep driving and keep trying.
Life is not going to wait for me so I need to catch up to it. I need to not let this affect my life. It has already had a profound impact on my past causing me much loss in ten years, but it will not rob me of the love that I have found and of my future. It absolutely will not.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
The Anxiety is Back and So Am I
It's been over a year since I last updated this blog. I do so well in my day to day life without any anxiety that I sometimes forget how heavily it still influences me. Life moves forward for myself and for everyone around me and no one realizes that a couple more years have gone by and I still haven't gone more than an hour away from where I'm comfortable. And when no one else realizes it, it helps me almost forgot that painful fact that constantly comes back to the front of my mind. I keep hoping it will just disappear, but I was reminded today that it is still there.
I want to surprise my girlfriend and take her snowboarding for a night, so I decided to practice driving to Ski Liberty. Of course, I mapquested directions to all the local ski resorts to see which is the least amount of miles away and which seems like the easiest to drive to. Ski Roundtop is a little bit past York, PA and most of the drive is on I-83, which I like, but it's about 70 miles away and 55 of those miles are all on one road. I have trouble with long stretches of miles on one single road. Driving farther and farther away on one straight road makes me feel like it takes longer to get back than it would if I had turned. I know this makes no sense, but it's what I think when I'm driving.
Ski Liberty is 56 miles away from my apartment and about 30 of those miles are all on the same road. This is not ideal but it's better than the 55 miles on 83 to Roundtop so I decided Liberty was where I would try to drive.
About two weeks ago, I drove the 10 miles on 695 then the 10 miles on 795 to start the 30 mile journey on MD-140, which is a four lane country road split in the middle by a median and every half mile seems to be separated by a traffic light. Some sections are surrounded by big stores and shopping centers and others long stretches of grass and farm fields. I made it about 8 miles on 140 before I decided to turn around. I wasn't anxious, but I decided I had driven far enough and I felt accomplished for the day. I know I should have gone further.
I got in my car this morning with that goal in mind: to go further. I drove the 10 miles on 695 then the 10 miles on 795 then I drove about 10 miles on 140 and saw a Gardiners Furniture on the right. I pulled into the parking lot and went in for a few minutes to look at mattresses. Getting out of the car and walking around helps ground my mind and I felt very calm getting back into the car. After Gardiners, I drove about 2 more miles and saw a Five Below on the left so I pulled in and grounded myself again. Still feeling good, I decided to go a little further. I drove about two more miles, so almost 14 miles on MD-140, and I was still feeling fairly calm but looking ahead I saw long stretches of road and suddenly felt the urge to turn around. I got in the left turn lane to make a u-turn behind an old, rusty truck.
About a minute went by and I was still waiting behind the truck. I kept telling myself I was fine and then all the sudden I felt really hot. I quickly unzipped and took off my light jacket and then I noticed my left leg that was trying to hold in the clutch was shaking. Still waiting behind the truck for the light to turn, I started fidgeting and trying to keep my mind and body busy but I wanted to turn around that second. I called a friend and told her to ask me questions and talk to me. She knew I was driving so she wasn't surprised by the call.
We had only been on the phone about a minute when the light changed and by that time my anxiety level was going down and my leg was shaking a little less. By the time I had driven the two miles to the next light, I was completely fine. The anxiety surprised me because I hadn't felt it in so long, but I also had not pushed myself in a long time either. It was different from how I remembered it. The physical symptoms were present, but I didn't completely lose my mind. I was still able to form thoughts and talk myself out of the anxiety. I was able to remind myself to breathe and I knew in my mind that my leg would stop shaking and my body temperature would come down. It wasn't as bad as I remembered it to be.
The anxiety that I felt lasted about three minutes and then it subsided. I should have turned back around and gone even further but I decided just to go home. But now I know that that is the decision that is going to change my life. I now realize I can calm down and be fine while still being outside of my comfortable distance. I'm letting a few minutes of uncomfortableness control my entire life. Next time I will choose to keep going. That is the moment that everything will change.
I want to surprise my girlfriend and take her snowboarding for a night, so I decided to practice driving to Ski Liberty. Of course, I mapquested directions to all the local ski resorts to see which is the least amount of miles away and which seems like the easiest to drive to. Ski Roundtop is a little bit past York, PA and most of the drive is on I-83, which I like, but it's about 70 miles away and 55 of those miles are all on one road. I have trouble with long stretches of miles on one single road. Driving farther and farther away on one straight road makes me feel like it takes longer to get back than it would if I had turned. I know this makes no sense, but it's what I think when I'm driving.
Ski Liberty is 56 miles away from my apartment and about 30 of those miles are all on the same road. This is not ideal but it's better than the 55 miles on 83 to Roundtop so I decided Liberty was where I would try to drive.
About two weeks ago, I drove the 10 miles on 695 then the 10 miles on 795 to start the 30 mile journey on MD-140, which is a four lane country road split in the middle by a median and every half mile seems to be separated by a traffic light. Some sections are surrounded by big stores and shopping centers and others long stretches of grass and farm fields. I made it about 8 miles on 140 before I decided to turn around. I wasn't anxious, but I decided I had driven far enough and I felt accomplished for the day. I know I should have gone further.
I got in my car this morning with that goal in mind: to go further. I drove the 10 miles on 695 then the 10 miles on 795 then I drove about 10 miles on 140 and saw a Gardiners Furniture on the right. I pulled into the parking lot and went in for a few minutes to look at mattresses. Getting out of the car and walking around helps ground my mind and I felt very calm getting back into the car. After Gardiners, I drove about 2 more miles and saw a Five Below on the left so I pulled in and grounded myself again. Still feeling good, I decided to go a little further. I drove about two more miles, so almost 14 miles on MD-140, and I was still feeling fairly calm but looking ahead I saw long stretches of road and suddenly felt the urge to turn around. I got in the left turn lane to make a u-turn behind an old, rusty truck.
About a minute went by and I was still waiting behind the truck. I kept telling myself I was fine and then all the sudden I felt really hot. I quickly unzipped and took off my light jacket and then I noticed my left leg that was trying to hold in the clutch was shaking. Still waiting behind the truck for the light to turn, I started fidgeting and trying to keep my mind and body busy but I wanted to turn around that second. I called a friend and told her to ask me questions and talk to me. She knew I was driving so she wasn't surprised by the call.
We had only been on the phone about a minute when the light changed and by that time my anxiety level was going down and my leg was shaking a little less. By the time I had driven the two miles to the next light, I was completely fine. The anxiety surprised me because I hadn't felt it in so long, but I also had not pushed myself in a long time either. It was different from how I remembered it. The physical symptoms were present, but I didn't completely lose my mind. I was still able to form thoughts and talk myself out of the anxiety. I was able to remind myself to breathe and I knew in my mind that my leg would stop shaking and my body temperature would come down. It wasn't as bad as I remembered it to be.
The anxiety that I felt lasted about three minutes and then it subsided. I should have turned back around and gone even further but I decided just to go home. But now I know that that is the decision that is going to change my life. I now realize I can calm down and be fine while still being outside of my comfortable distance. I'm letting a few minutes of uncomfortableness control my entire life. Next time I will choose to keep going. That is the moment that everything will change.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)