When I was in high school, I always thought that I would move to New York City right after I graduated college. I'm not even sure why I applied to schools so close; I would have gone anywhere, and I now think that I should have gone further than the three hours away that I did go. My parents (specifically my mom) wanted me to stay close to home. And she still wants that even though she knows how hard it is for me to go far from home.
Right before I graduated from Salisbury, in the peak of my agoraphobia, I remember chatting on instant messanger with a good family friend. I was sitting in my twin sized bed chatting before I fell asleep, like I did most nights. On that particular night, my friend told me there was a job opening with her company in New York City that she could help me get if I wanted it. She said I should live in New Jersey near or with her and commute to the city. It was everything I had wanted when I was in high school and that I still wanted at that moment, but there was no way I could get there. Somehow in those four years, everything had changed. I had changed. I went from this carefree, young girl to this anxious, frazzled adult, but I still wanted the same things I had wanted before. I still wanted to live in NYC even though I knew there was no way my anxious mind would let me get there. I could not drive ten miles from my house at that time, so NYC seemed like a dream.
This past Friday night, I had a dream about the friend who offered me the job in NYC in 2005. I woke up thinking about how it's been six years and taking that job now is still something I would not be able to do. NYC is still a dream to me.
I spent Saturday sad and frustrated because I just want to be able to go places and I'm struggling to make that happen. I went to Hightopps with a friend on Saturday night to have a few drinks. For the first time, I told him all about my agoraphobia and anxiety. He understood more than anyone ever has, which made me feel a little bit less crazy. Most people have no idea what to say when I reveal this to them, but this friend just seemed to get it. I'm glad I told him. And I hope he can help me get on a plane by the end of the summer :)
Sometimes I'm sad and sometimes I'm super positive. Sometimes I know how lucky I am, and other times I would rather have anything else to deal with other than this. I needed a night to be frustrated and to tell someone those feelings to fuel my need and desire to really make myself go further. This has taken over a third of my life and it's time for me to take control.
The first step I think I need to make is to move. I need to get slightly out of my comfort zone so that I can expand my life. I have been accepted into a Nonprofit Management program at American University in D.C., so I think I'm going to move to that area. I think being forced to use public transportation and to explore a new part of the city will make me less comfortable and more willing to push my anxiety threshold. My mom doesn't want me to move because she wants me to stay close to home, but what she doesn't realize is that keeping me close to home could make me stay here forever and never leave. That's my biggest fear.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Positive Side
I just wanted to take a minute to talk about the positive side of being agoraphobic because there is one. I am so grateful for every new place I see. I remember driving home to Bel Air from Baltimore City comfortably for the first time in years; I remember taking the 95 ramp home noticing how the lights lit up the city. It was a beautiful sight that I'm not sure I would have noticed had it not been such a struggle for me to get there. Making it to Newark and Annapolis and D.C. all gave me similar feelings. I was and still am so grateful to have made it to those places.
I hear people talk about different cities and states and countries they have or are traveling to and I wonder if they stop to appreciate the fact that they are able to go to those places with no thought. This semester I talked to a few students who have barely been out of Baltimore because they take the bus everywhere and do not have the money or means to go anywhere and that makes me feel fortunate that I do have those luxuries even though it's harder for me than most people.
If I could go anywhere, I'm not sure that I would have found Camp Sunrise. If I had been busy using my vacation time to travel, I'm not sure that I would have looked for summer camps where I volunteer a week of my time. I would like to say that I would have sought out an opportunity like this anyway, but I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm glad I did. Camp Sunrise changed my life, so not being able to travel has given me as much as it has taken away from me. And spending a week with kids with cancer really puts your life into perspective and makes you grateful for everything you do have instead of the things your life is lacking or the things you can't do. Even though traveling is so hard for me, I know it could be so much worse. I know how lucky I am.
So my agoraphobia has helped me be more grateful and has led me to do things I might not otherwise have done. And even though I can't go anywhere I want, I am so blessed for the small steps that I have made and continue to make. And when I make it to the ocean this summer and see waves and smell the ocean for the first time in six years, I will feel like I've traveled the world.
I hear people talk about different cities and states and countries they have or are traveling to and I wonder if they stop to appreciate the fact that they are able to go to those places with no thought. This semester I talked to a few students who have barely been out of Baltimore because they take the bus everywhere and do not have the money or means to go anywhere and that makes me feel fortunate that I do have those luxuries even though it's harder for me than most people.
If I could go anywhere, I'm not sure that I would have found Camp Sunrise. If I had been busy using my vacation time to travel, I'm not sure that I would have looked for summer camps where I volunteer a week of my time. I would like to say that I would have sought out an opportunity like this anyway, but I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm glad I did. Camp Sunrise changed my life, so not being able to travel has given me as much as it has taken away from me. And spending a week with kids with cancer really puts your life into perspective and makes you grateful for everything you do have instead of the things your life is lacking or the things you can't do. Even though traveling is so hard for me, I know it could be so much worse. I know how lucky I am.
So my agoraphobia has helped me be more grateful and has led me to do things I might not otherwise have done. And even though I can't go anywhere I want, I am so blessed for the small steps that I have made and continue to make. And when I make it to the ocean this summer and see waves and smell the ocean for the first time in six years, I will feel like I've traveled the world.
Another Boot
So my last blog was about public transportation and control, which is taken away completely if I can't drive. I have gotten a lot better about being a passenger in a car, but I still prefer to be the driver. This has all been complicated by another boot.
In 2005, I was playing soccer drunk after a wedding with some friends and little kids and I broke my foot. I was on crutches and in a walking boot for months. It took so long for my foot to feel normal again.
Last week, I was playing tennis with a friend when I went for game point and turned my foot and fell hard. My foot swelled instantly and it looked like I had a tennis ball stuck to my ankle. It was big and gross and painful. Diagnosis: I sprained my ankle and tore some ligaments and may have fractured something. I have to go back to the doctor two more times. It's painful and annoying but I know it could be a lot worse. I was on crutches for a few days; now my foot is strong enough to walk with just the boot.
I really wanted to be able to do lots of drives this summer and the foot/boot problem makes me more anxious about it. I'm not supposed to be driving in my boot but I have been. I know it's not the smartest/safest thing to do, but I need to get to work, etc. I have limited my driving to short distances and necessary trips.
This weekend I'm supposed to go to D.C. Pride (which I've never been to) and maybe hang out with a girl I'm interested in. There are anxiety triggers with this drive such as traffic in D.C. and the fact that it's going to be packed. I'm also not sure if it's smarter to drive there or take the metro, which obviously is not my preference. And then there's the obvious foot concern with driving and then possibly having to walk around a lot once I get there, which may be too much for my foot too soon. Is this an excuse or a valid concern? My anxiety clouds my mind so much that I'm not sure. To go or not to go? I just feel like: "I have to go see about a girl."
In 2005, I was playing soccer drunk after a wedding with some friends and little kids and I broke my foot. I was on crutches and in a walking boot for months. It took so long for my foot to feel normal again.
Last week, I was playing tennis with a friend when I went for game point and turned my foot and fell hard. My foot swelled instantly and it looked like I had a tennis ball stuck to my ankle. It was big and gross and painful. Diagnosis: I sprained my ankle and tore some ligaments and may have fractured something. I have to go back to the doctor two more times. It's painful and annoying but I know it could be a lot worse. I was on crutches for a few days; now my foot is strong enough to walk with just the boot.
I really wanted to be able to do lots of drives this summer and the foot/boot problem makes me more anxious about it. I'm not supposed to be driving in my boot but I have been. I know it's not the smartest/safest thing to do, but I need to get to work, etc. I have limited my driving to short distances and necessary trips.
This weekend I'm supposed to go to D.C. Pride (which I've never been to) and maybe hang out with a girl I'm interested in. There are anxiety triggers with this drive such as traffic in D.C. and the fact that it's going to be packed. I'm also not sure if it's smarter to drive there or take the metro, which obviously is not my preference. And then there's the obvious foot concern with driving and then possibly having to walk around a lot once I get there, which may be too much for my foot too soon. Is this an excuse or a valid concern? My anxiety clouds my mind so much that I'm not sure. To go or not to go? I just feel like: "I have to go see about a girl."
Preakness
Going to Preakness was a poke at my anxiety; it was not something that completely threw me off, but it made my mind race a little bit. For those of you who have gone to Preakness, you know that there are lots of people and that you can't just pull up and walk in. I had to do some research and figure out how I would get there. I met my friend Jess and and a few other people at Jess' house in Pikesville. Jess suggested that all seven of us pile in her SUV, which would have been fun freshman year of college but the thought of it now made me picture myself having a panic attack. I told Jess I would drive, too.
I, of course, had done my research and decided that easiest way to get there would be to park at the shuttle stop closes to Preakness so the bus ride would be as short as possible. Public transportation makes me feel completely out of control because I can't turn around if I need or want to; this is why I struggle with flying. At least with a bus or on a train, I could get off at the next stop. There are no stops in the air.
So I left Jess' house with two of the people in the group and we drove to the shuttle stop. There were only five other people on our bus and it was only about a four mile bus ride, so this wasn't a huge public transportation challenge for me but I still felt good that I did it.
This is a blog about anxiety/agoraphobia and traveling, so all I will say about Preakness was that it was a great time and I drank a little too much which brings me to the ride home. My friend Dylan and I walked towards the buses to go back to the shuttle stop. We got on the first bus we saw because we assumed they were all going to all of the shuttle stops. The bus was packed with people sitting in all the seats as well as standing in the middle. Like I said, I had been drinking so I was calm on the bus ride. We pulled up to what we thought was our first stop and every single person got off the bus; I had no idea where we were. The bus driver told us that each bus was going to one stop and we got on the wrong one, so she would take us back to Preakness.
We pulled up where the buses were loading and found hundreds, maybe thousands of people drunk and waiting for buses. I was still drunk but this sight made my anxiety spike a little bit. There was no way to get back to our cars. I suggested we walk, but Dylan thought it was too long. He walked over to a van and started talking to the driver. All the sudden he was asking me to come his way and get in this van. We piled in with six other people and were on our way. Dylan paid $20 for these guys driving a van, which they called a cab, to take us the four miles back to our cars. It was worth it.
That was the beginning of my goal to become more comfortable riding public transportation. I need to learn to let go of the control. I'm hoping to be on a plane by the end of the summer...
I, of course, had done my research and decided that easiest way to get there would be to park at the shuttle stop closes to Preakness so the bus ride would be as short as possible. Public transportation makes me feel completely out of control because I can't turn around if I need or want to; this is why I struggle with flying. At least with a bus or on a train, I could get off at the next stop. There are no stops in the air.
So I left Jess' house with two of the people in the group and we drove to the shuttle stop. There were only five other people on our bus and it was only about a four mile bus ride, so this wasn't a huge public transportation challenge for me but I still felt good that I did it.
This is a blog about anxiety/agoraphobia and traveling, so all I will say about Preakness was that it was a great time and I drank a little too much which brings me to the ride home. My friend Dylan and I walked towards the buses to go back to the shuttle stop. We got on the first bus we saw because we assumed they were all going to all of the shuttle stops. The bus was packed with people sitting in all the seats as well as standing in the middle. Like I said, I had been drinking so I was calm on the bus ride. We pulled up to what we thought was our first stop and every single person got off the bus; I had no idea where we were. The bus driver told us that each bus was going to one stop and we got on the wrong one, so she would take us back to Preakness.
We pulled up where the buses were loading and found hundreds, maybe thousands of people drunk and waiting for buses. I was still drunk but this sight made my anxiety spike a little bit. There was no way to get back to our cars. I suggested we walk, but Dylan thought it was too long. He walked over to a van and started talking to the driver. All the sudden he was asking me to come his way and get in this van. We piled in with six other people and were on our way. Dylan paid $20 for these guys driving a van, which they called a cab, to take us the four miles back to our cars. It was worth it.
That was the beginning of my goal to become more comfortable riding public transportation. I need to learn to let go of the control. I'm hoping to be on a plane by the end of the summer...
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
This is the summer...
This is the summer I'm going to make it to the beach. I can feel it. On Sunday, May 29, I went on my first drive. I didn't go as far as I wanted to, but that was more because I didn't have a destination or a reason to go anywhere than because I was anxious. My loosely stated goal was to make it to Newark, DE and walk around. It was a beautiful day and I went to the pool in the morning and wanted to go to a cookout in the afternoon, so I didn't go as far as I planned.
Newark, Delaware is about 75 miles and an hour and a half from where I live in Towson and just an hour from my parents' house in Bel Air. I didn't leave until about 3 in the afternoon and I wanted to get to a cookout by 6 or 7. I drove the 30 miles to my parents' house and dropped my dog, Gia, off so I could drive without having her sit in my lap. Newark is about 45 miles from my parents' house. There is a bridge you have to cross over right in the middle of the drive. This is a bridge I've driven over many, many times in my life. When I was a newspaper reporter, I had to drive over it at least four times a month, usually more. It's about two miles long, which is half the distance of the Bay Bridge, but it feels even shorter. The way the Bay Bridge goes up and curves so you can see the whole span of the bridge when you go over it makes me super anxious. I have gone over the Bay Bridge once since my junior year of college and that was on a trip to make sure I could do it. I made it over and back, but I told myself the whole way over that I could take a boat back if I needed to. That was probably the most anxious I've been in years.
But, I had never been too anxious when I drove over the bridge on the way to Newark until that day of my drive. I had not been over that bridge in a couple years and it made me anxious. There's a McDonalds on the right side before you get on the bridge. I pulled into the parking lot and noticed I could go out the back of the lot and turn around, but I knew I couldn't do that. Even if I didn't make it to Newark, I needed to make it over the bridge. I clutched my steering wheel and picked up the speed a little bit. For anyone who has never been over the Route 40 bridge from Harford County into Cecil County, it looks like it was built hundreds of years ago and doesn't seem too sturdy to me. The Interstate 95 bridge, which runs parallel to the 40 bridge, seems a lot more stable. It feels more like you're still on the highway than like being on a bridge in the middle of the water. But, glancing over at the 95 bridge from the Route 40 bridge, the 95 one didn't look much better. For those of you who don't know, the reason people take the Route 40 bridge is because you can buy a one time ticket for $5 and go over the Route 40 bridge as many times as you want. The 95 bridge is $5 each time you go over it, which is probably why it looks a lot better than the 40 bridge.
After I got over the bridge, I was a little shaken up. I wasn't thinking about the distance; I was thinking about the fact that I had to go back over that bridge. I had driven over this bridge so many times and couldn't believe that it even made me clutch my steering wheel a little bit. I drove about five more miles on Route 40 towards Newark, but I kept thinking about getting back over the bridge and that I really had nowhere to go in Newark. I wasn't meeting anyone and I did have a cookout to go to back home. I did a u-turn and went back, but this time I didn't get back on the Route 40 bridge. I turned right and went about a mile to get on 95 south in hopes that, like I remembered, that bridge was a lot easier to go over.
I got on 95 and saw the bridge after only driving for a few minutes. Like I remembered, it was so much easier to go over than the Route 40 bridge. It has three or four lanes instead of the two lane Route 40 bridge. It just looks newer and wider and feels like it's just an extension of the highway. If it were dark and I couldn't see the water, I may not even know I was traveling on a bridge. In the future, I will be paying $5 each time and staying on 95 for my drives towards Newark.
I didn't make it to Newark that day but not because it was too far. I'm confident that I can make it there, and making it over that bridge and into Cecil County before June 1 is a good sign I'm going to make it to the Delaware beaches this summer. Traveling is sort of like exercising to me. Once you have reached a goal, you know you can do it again but you may have to prepare yourself for it. If you run a marathon once, you know you can do it again but you can't not run for a year then try to run 26 miles; you need to build up your distance. I've driven to Newark and I know I can make it there again, but I need to build up my distance. And anything is easier once you've conquered it once. So, getting to the beach is going to be so much easier next summer once I conquer it this summer.
Newark, Delaware is about 75 miles and an hour and a half from where I live in Towson and just an hour from my parents' house in Bel Air. I didn't leave until about 3 in the afternoon and I wanted to get to a cookout by 6 or 7. I drove the 30 miles to my parents' house and dropped my dog, Gia, off so I could drive without having her sit in my lap. Newark is about 45 miles from my parents' house. There is a bridge you have to cross over right in the middle of the drive. This is a bridge I've driven over many, many times in my life. When I was a newspaper reporter, I had to drive over it at least four times a month, usually more. It's about two miles long, which is half the distance of the Bay Bridge, but it feels even shorter. The way the Bay Bridge goes up and curves so you can see the whole span of the bridge when you go over it makes me super anxious. I have gone over the Bay Bridge once since my junior year of college and that was on a trip to make sure I could do it. I made it over and back, but I told myself the whole way over that I could take a boat back if I needed to. That was probably the most anxious I've been in years.
But, I had never been too anxious when I drove over the bridge on the way to Newark until that day of my drive. I had not been over that bridge in a couple years and it made me anxious. There's a McDonalds on the right side before you get on the bridge. I pulled into the parking lot and noticed I could go out the back of the lot and turn around, but I knew I couldn't do that. Even if I didn't make it to Newark, I needed to make it over the bridge. I clutched my steering wheel and picked up the speed a little bit. For anyone who has never been over the Route 40 bridge from Harford County into Cecil County, it looks like it was built hundreds of years ago and doesn't seem too sturdy to me. The Interstate 95 bridge, which runs parallel to the 40 bridge, seems a lot more stable. It feels more like you're still on the highway than like being on a bridge in the middle of the water. But, glancing over at the 95 bridge from the Route 40 bridge, the 95 one didn't look much better. For those of you who don't know, the reason people take the Route 40 bridge is because you can buy a one time ticket for $5 and go over the Route 40 bridge as many times as you want. The 95 bridge is $5 each time you go over it, which is probably why it looks a lot better than the 40 bridge.
After I got over the bridge, I was a little shaken up. I wasn't thinking about the distance; I was thinking about the fact that I had to go back over that bridge. I had driven over this bridge so many times and couldn't believe that it even made me clutch my steering wheel a little bit. I drove about five more miles on Route 40 towards Newark, but I kept thinking about getting back over the bridge and that I really had nowhere to go in Newark. I wasn't meeting anyone and I did have a cookout to go to back home. I did a u-turn and went back, but this time I didn't get back on the Route 40 bridge. I turned right and went about a mile to get on 95 south in hopes that, like I remembered, that bridge was a lot easier to go over.
I got on 95 and saw the bridge after only driving for a few minutes. Like I remembered, it was so much easier to go over than the Route 40 bridge. It has three or four lanes instead of the two lane Route 40 bridge. It just looks newer and wider and feels like it's just an extension of the highway. If it were dark and I couldn't see the water, I may not even know I was traveling on a bridge. In the future, I will be paying $5 each time and staying on 95 for my drives towards Newark.
I didn't make it to Newark that day but not because it was too far. I'm confident that I can make it there, and making it over that bridge and into Cecil County before June 1 is a good sign I'm going to make it to the Delaware beaches this summer. Traveling is sort of like exercising to me. Once you have reached a goal, you know you can do it again but you may have to prepare yourself for it. If you run a marathon once, you know you can do it again but you can't not run for a year then try to run 26 miles; you need to build up your distance. I've driven to Newark and I know I can make it there again, but I need to build up my distance. And anything is easier once you've conquered it once. So, getting to the beach is going to be so much easier next summer once I conquer it this summer.
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