I do things better when I do them for other people; I am not enough to push myself to do something that makes me anxious. Other people give me the drive to do things if I am emotionally invested in that person or group of people. I was in love with Lindsey and therefore wanted to do things and go places with her and for her. Our love was bigger than me; it was more important than me.
When we broke up, I needed to find something bigger than me with which I would become emotionally attached to pull me out of my daily, comfortable life and I found that last summer. I volunteered for a week at a camp called Camp Sunrise, which is for kids who have or have had cancer. The camp was located in White Hall, Maryland, which is about 40 miles from my apartment, and it's out in the middle of nowhere. It's far from highways, main roads, and escape routes. One of the characteristics or people with agoraphobia, including myself, is the need to be able to escape quickly to a place of comfort. This inability to escape is why traveling far distances is a problem for me and for other people. This is also why I prefer going places that are right off major highways; even four or five miles off a highway can make me feel so far away and make me anxious. Being out in the middle of nowhere far from highways is a situation that would cause me to have a panic attack. This didn't stop me from going to camp because I knew that the experience would be bigger than me, and I had already committed to being there for the kids. I didn't do a practice drive to camp before that week; I knew I would make it because it wasn't about me.
The first day was harder than I thought it would be. The campers weren't there yet; it was just counselors and other staff members and most people already knew each other. It felt just like starting a new school or job: out of place and awkward. I'm sure all of you know the feeling and the uncertainty: who will I sit with at the next meal? who will I talk to during downtime?, etc...Fortunately, I became friends with a girl in my cabin who was also new to camp. The day was long, but I got through it without too many moments with no one to talk to.
I started getting a little nervous as the sun was going down and the day was coming to an end. I knew I was going to have trouble sleeping and for an anxious person, sleep is essential; next to too much alcohol, lack of sleep is what causes me more anxiety than anything else. In regular life, I drink bedtime tea every night and I read then I fall asleep to some sitcom like Everybody Loves Raymond or Kind of Queens. I have my fan by my bed for noise and so that I don't get too hot. I sleep well and I sleep more than most people. I get about nine hours of sleep every night, and I need all of that. If I don't get it, I'm not tired and groggy; instead, I have lots of anxious energy. It makes me feel crazy.
The first night at camp, I tried putting bedtime tea bags in a cup of cold water and tried to read before I attempted to fall asleep. Neither effort worked. I didn't sleep at all that first night. I tried reading, counting things in my head, and going outside and walking around but nothing helped. It makes it almost impossible to sleep when you know you're going to have trouble and when you're trying not to wake up the other people in your cabin. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the whole week.
The kids got there that morning and everything changed. I knew that even if I didn't sleep at all, I would make it through the week of camp. I was a counselor in a cabin with the youngest girls. We rounded them up and helped them get their luggage off the truck. They were so small trying to pull and carry their big bags and suitcases. Some of them had bald heads and some had hair; some of them were in treatment and some were survivors, but all of them either had or were experiencing something so scary that no child should ever have to experience.
Throughout the week, I got to know all of the girls in my cabin really well. One girl loved to read and was a really great artist; one loved to play sports and tried to act much older than she was; a few talked a lot and a couple were really quiet; one didn't like to touch the door because of all the germs; one girl hugged me before bed every night; another one was really homesick at the beginning of the week but fell in love with camp by the end of the week.
I got a little bit more sleep each night I was there. I told the counselors in my cabin that I would do polar bear swim, which is taking the campers to the pool at 7:00 a.m. for a 20 minute swim before breakfast. The young girls loved this, but the number who got up was dwindling by the day. Friday was the last day of polar bear swim and I was pretty exhausted from the week and we were trying to decide who would go to polar bear swim. I thought about trying to sleep a little later the next day since one of the other counselors said she would go because she hadn't gone all week. The camper who had been homesick earlier in the week came to me and asked me if I would take them because she wanted me to get in the pool with her. I said I would love to. That same camper had not been swimming earlier in the week because she had a central line in and didn't want to go through the trouble of getting it covered to swim, but we convinced her that it was no trouble. That Friday morning I woke the three girls up who wanted to go to polar bear swim and we went to medical to get her central line covered then headed to the pool. The water was cold but it was worth it to see the once homesick camper swimming, smiling, and splashing with the other girls, which she had not done earlier in the week. That was one of my favorite moments from camp.
I went to Towson Fest with my friend Jess from Salisbury, my friend Sarah from work, and a few others. Jess and I were walking around and I saw the camper who hugged me goodnight every night before bed on the other side of the street. It was the first time since camp that I saw one of my campers out in public. My group was all young girls so you don't really keep in touch with them. I sent them pictures after camp but that was it. I thought I was going to cry because I was so excited to see this camper. She didn't see me the first time I walked by her, so I told Jess we had to go back and walk towards her again so she would see me. She saw me that time and came up and gave me a big hug. She told me she would be at camp this summer and I told her I would be too.
The following day, I was grocery shopping in Giant when I looked up and saw the camper who was homesick on one of the Triple Winner posters in the store. I almost cried again and then I stopped to take a picture of it with my phone. Next time you're in the Giant checkout line, think about donating $1 for a Triple Winner scratch off because all the money goes to pediatric cancer research and you will most likely win something from Giant. I won a free sponge with my scratch off. And make sure you look at the signs because you will see my one of my campers and other pediatric oncology patients.
Seeing one camper in person and one on a sign has got me really excited for camp this year. It's being held in Annapolis this year and I know I'll get there and not sleep, but I'll stay and, again, it will be the best week of my summer and I know even if I'm anxious, it will be worth it because being a part of Camp Sunrise is something that is bigger than me.
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