California

My ex-girlfriend, Lindsey, and I started dating in 2007 and we broke up in 2009; I was 24 when we met and 26 when she left. In those two years, I made my way to places I had not been able to drive to in years. I drove to BWI to pick Lindsey up from the airport, Ellicott City and Columbia for the first time in years, Crofton to see Holly's house, Elkridge for Holly's wedding, Annapolis to have dinner with Lindsey's best friend, over the Bay Bridge, and the weekend before we broke up to D.C. to hang out on Dupont Circle. These were triumphs for me, but to her they were simply small, frustrating steps.

Lindsey was great for my traveling because she really pushed me to go places. And I wanted to do things with her and go places because I loved her and I wanted to experience new things with her. If we had plans to go somewhere and I woke up and made excuses for why we shouldn't go, she told me we were going anyway and to stop making excuses. I will forever be grateful to her for that.

But, as much as she pushed me, she wasn't very understanding. She just couldn't get that part of me. It frustrated her almost as much as it frustrated and still frustrates me. Lindsey's family lives in California and she dreamed of the two of us starting a life together in San Francisco and spending holidays with her parents, brothers and their wives and children. I dreamed of that, too. She constantly reminded me that I was the only reason she was still in Maryland.

I knew how much Lindsey wanted to be in California, so we planned on spending Christmas 2009 with my family in Maryland and then moving to the west coast in January 2010. I told her if I couldn't make it, I still wanted her to go. I knew I wasn't going to be ready for that, but I hoped that the anxiety of her being so far away combined with home much I missed her would be enough to push me to go. She left me in early June 2009, so we never got to find out if it would have been enough.

For a long time after we broke up, I wondered if I didn't have any anxiety and if I would have moved to California with her the first year after we were together like she wanted to, if we would still be together. This is a question that haunted me for a long time, but it's also a question that can't be answered because that would mean I would be a different person.

When Lindsey left, I was more perpetually sad than I had ever been in my life. A big part of my anxiety is needing to be in control (needing to drive and not be a passenger, not using public transportation of any kind, etc.) and Lindsey leaving me took away all my control of my life. I loved her more than I ever thought I could love another person and she left me and there was nothing I could do about it. There was no amount of will or work that would bring her back to me. That was something I had a hard time grasping.

The months following her leaving me, I was anxious but I didn't have panic attacks all the time or anything. I just felt like I was existing somewhere right below the panic attack level; I was nowhere near calm. I stopped trying to travel anywhere. I just wanted to get through the day without being pushed to the panic attack level. I didn't care if I could drive to Ocean City or Philly or Salisbury or anywhere because I was alone and I didn't have anyone I wanted to travel for or with.

It's been almost two years since Linsey and I broke up and I now want to travel for myself so I don't miss my life. She and I saw each other for the first time since she left about a month ago. One thing she said to me was that she couldn't believe I didn't make it further while we were together. She doesn't think I will ever make it to California. One day, I'm going to go there with a beautiful woman and I'm going to call Lindsey just to let her know that I made it. One day...