Little Background

Before I start blogging every day, I feel like I need to provide a little background information. Before I went to college, I could go anywhere and do anything; I didn't have anxiety about anything that I recall. One night during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college that all changed. I was about two and a half hours away from school and home when I had my first panic attack (which I didn't have words for until about four years later).

I was in the passenger seat of a car with Holly, a girl I thought I loved at the time, and all the sudden I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. I felt far away from my bags at her house and my car and school and my home and even far from the Wal-Mart we were driving to. My thoughts were fuzzy and nothing seemed real. My heart started beating fast and when I looked down I could see it moving the skin on my chest. I tried to grab my thighs with my hands, but they were shaking too much to clutch anything. I kept blinking and shaking my head to try to focus my thoughts , but it didn't help. My whole body was shaking and pounding, my feet were sweating, and I couldn't think straight. I felt like I wasn't inside my head anymore.

That night was the beginning of a long road with my anxiety and agoraphobia. My arms started getting numb randomly, I started having panic attacks in classrooms, on highways, in crowded places, anytime I was too far from my car, if I wasn't driving, when I was alone, when I was far from school or home, etc...The list goes on. Soon after I started having these panic attacks, I realized what was causing them and began avoiding any situation that may cause me to have one. I dropped classes I couldn't sit in and because of that I graduated college late; I wouldn't be a passenger in a car with anyone; I didn't go to crowded places, drive on highways, or drive anywhere far from home. By the time I graduated college, I couldn't drive further than ten miles from my home. That was also when I decided that something needed to change.

I started reading every book I could find on agoraphobia and anxiety and how to deal with the symptoms of both to try to get my life back. I was 22 years old when I started that journey. I tried medicine, therapy, acupuncture, hypnosis, EMDR, changing my diet, working out, etc. I spent any free time I had just driving as far as I could one way then turning around going as far as I could the other way. Driving was what helped me the most. Now, I'm 28 and still struggling. I'm doing pretty well with most of the situations I used to avoid besides being far from home. I can drive about an hour or sixty miles from home. That's not a lot considering I have been working on this for six years. I feel like I've missed out on so much in those years because I haven't been able to go places; but, I also know that this has really helped me appreciate the places I do make it to so much more than I did before.

I know that compared to many other situations people are in, I am incredibly lucky that this is the hardest thing I have to conquer. I am in no way trying to suggest that this is the worst life circumstance a person can be in, but it is such an internal struggle that it sometimes feels like there's no end in site. I know that's not true and that one day I will be able to travel anywhere I want to go.

I decided to start this blog for a few reasons: First, because I want to really start trying to go places and I want to hold myself accountable by having to blog about it. I will write about the attempts, avoidances, and successes. Secondly, I hope to be able to reach other people who are struggling with anxiety and/or agoraphobia to give them some hope that progress is possible. This isn't just my story; it's the story of so many people, and I think it needs to be told.